Four years…

four years have gone by, 
ticking away, 
the holy Clock - 
ticking, ticking  
michelle! oh michelle! 
we’re tired of singing the same melody.  
oh, michelle. what a great sorrow, michelle. 
four years, under the same roof that keeps leaking. 
oh this pit i’m in!
darkness, darkness - 
darkness without a lantern! 
oh Clock, oh Clock - 
stop ticking 
i didn’t think i’d be bringing this darkness into adulthood with me! 
i thought i’d run out of blood sooner than that, 
i thought i’d be dead by now. 
 
things changed, things stayed the same - 
i’m not scared to die,  
i have nothing to live for. 
you’d think i would feel ashamed, you’d think that i would feel selfish - 
i do not. there is not a single shameful bone in my body, not a single selfish thought flowing through my head. 
i might be ashamed of how my legs are so weirdly shaped, 
or how my eyes shut themselves automatically when i want to be unseen 
but oh, i wouldn’t be ashamed for bleeding this holy blood and crying oceans. 
i wouldn’t be ashamed for tapping my foot when i hear my favorite song on the radio, 
even if the song was about suicide. 

we’ve come far,  
far far away from the river that birthed us - 
from the river that drowned us. 
four years, 
seasons changing, going by - 
colored leaves falling around my head and i stare upward - 
oh autumn, what a victory - i no longer stare at my feet when i walk 
O God, what a victory! 
oh God, my first thought after waking up is not about death -  
oh, what a victorious day it is. 
lovely, lovely. 
what a lovely day, dear autumn. 

four years, 
each day a different rainstorm - 
oh, but i taught myself how to love rainstorms. 
and friends came and went away  
again and again, 
until i am here all alone, but i don’t mind - 
friends came and went, 
oh they thought i’d stay the same  
no, no. no, friend, i won’t. i wouldn’t.  

four years and rivers of blood bled 
oh! yes, dear, i suffer. i suffer greatly. 
but suffering no longer scares me. 
it comes and it goes, just like everything else - just like the golden leaves fallen down from up high,  
just like my tears cried late at night, 
just like the snow melted away, 
just like the sun, covered by a dark cloud. 
it comes and it goes, and it no longer scares me. 
 
- four years with depression